I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just gift wrapped bread.
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I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize