Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
