My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
