my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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