I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
