The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
