just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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