when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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