I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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