I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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