Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize