I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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