theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
