Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
