based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
