there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
