6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
