I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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