We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
