I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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