I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Just cropdusted the office
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
