My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
