mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
