i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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