It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
