If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
the liver wants what the liver wants
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.