the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present