just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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