At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
