A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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