I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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