you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
