I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
