Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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