Your face is a jimmy john
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
