i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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