The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wear drunk well.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
