My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just had sex bonerless
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
