pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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