this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
