So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
