They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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