the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
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I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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