i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
