i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
