He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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