it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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