tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize