saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Less talking, more tequila
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
