you're like a bully in the Christmas story
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You're like the curious george of whores
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
