Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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