If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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