i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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