It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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