Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
