I'm really into asian looking animals
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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