there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
