I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
