Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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