You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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