I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
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Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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